CompuServe Thread

#Programming Like Women

13 messages in this thread
#1935From: Keith PleasOct 7, 1991 11:35 PM
ALL: Saw this out in the rec.humor.funny. Warning: May be offensive to ardent feminists. **** (edited for space) ***** PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN by: Daniel J. Salomon, Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women. Assembler – A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort. FORTRAN – Your grey-haired grandmother… COBOL – A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes. BASIC – The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their) first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! There are 2 Replies.
#1965From: Mark Novisoff/MicroHelpOct 8, 1991 4:07 AM
Keith, (With apologies to Susan) I like it! Mark There is 1 Reply.
#2299From: Susan LemieuxOct 9, 1991 7:39 PM
Apologies accepted! But I don't think any of those scenarios apply to me. So I guess I'll have to wait until the next YACC comes along! Maybe I'm a 4GL? I guess I'll ask my husband – he ought to know, I hope <g> — Susan
#1968From: Brett LiddicoetOct 8, 1991 5:37 AM
Keith, What about PASCAL and C ? Brett There is 1 Reply.
#2020From: Keith PleasOct 8, 1991 11:27 AM
Brett: They were in the message, but it kept gettin blown off for space reasons, and I REALLY hate multi-messages. Anyway, here are (most of) the rest: PL/I – A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change. C – A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character. Pascal – A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module). Modula II – A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot. LISP – She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse,– enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency. APL – A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing. LOGO – A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals. Ada – A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so. There is 1 Reply.
#2028From: Eileen WharmbyOct 8, 1991 12:17 PM
Keith, I LOVE them! I suppose VB would rank as a CallGirl – Very attractive, skilful but expensive because of all the extras she induces you to buy for her… –Eileen There are 2 Replies.
#2088From: Brett LiddicoetOct 8, 1991 4:34 PM
Eileen, That's the best one yet! Brett There is 1 Reply.
#2121From: Eileen WharmbyOct 8, 1991 8:58 PM
Brett, <evil grin> –Eileen
#2099From: Keith PleasOct 8, 1991 6:15 PM
Eileen: Apparently the author also did one comparing languages to cars that's supposed to be even better. I'll post it if I run across it. Anyway, Phillipe's at it again: InfoWorld: You've said some unkind things about the Basic language. Kahn: I didn't say unkind things. I said the truth. Basic is an ancient language. Basic was designed in the '60s and we're here in the '90s. InfoWorld: Some people are saying that dBase is no different. It's getting pretty old too. Kahn: Well, dBase is different… There is 1 Reply.
#2122From: Eileen WharmbyOct 8, 1991 8:58 PM
Keith, I love those nonsensical ones. Years ago (even before MY time) there was a cartoon in the Spectator which showed an American (you'll pardon the expression) tourist who is leaning over the Penguin Enclosure at the London Zoo and saying to the attendant, "Say, what's the idea of some of them being bigger than the others?" –Eileen There is 1 Reply.
#2139From: Keith PleasOct 8, 1991 10:39 PM
Eileen: I've never been to the London Zoo; what's the Penguin Enclosure? P-) There are 2 Replies.
#2148From: Eileen WharmbyOct 9, 1991 12:28 AM
Keith, Better still. <tee-hee> –Eileen
#2149From: Eileen WharmbyOct 9, 1991 12:32 AM
Keith, Better still. <tee-hee> –Eileen